Sunday, December 05, 2010
I have been quite emo these few days, i also dont know why. Maybe because of the festive season or maybe i took the effort to make the 1st move to talk to her. I went town for xmas shopping spree.. i thought abt her badly.. Thinking abt how we spend a few days shop for our xmas gifts for our friends and love ones. I know she love arts.. she will visit art friends like 1000 times a month just to get her prefect gift. Sometime i do get jealous over her friends who can be special. Nevertheless i am also special cause i will get the most greenie and 1 and only gift that no one have. Although sometime i am the last but i know i am still on her list, she will not forget abt me. This yr things are not be the same anymore... i really dont want to think that far. I dont really bother do i get a gift from her cause it is no longer the same anymore.
I took a long way down orchard from the start of the road till close to the end of somerset. Passing by so many shops and roadshow.. tall xmas tree, santa claus, snowman and snowflake is around everywhere. I wish she was just beside me sharing this joy with me.. i can tell her all kind of snowman story.. I met up with a fren later, was trying to get some advice what is a ideal gift for her since we are no longer together now. I cant possible get something that i think i like or sometime related to us, it will just make her misunderstand me more.
While i was withdrawing some $$$ that fren was asking me... hey cant tell that u really can save up and u will spend that kind of $$$ for her... I was abit effected by that comment because that fren saw my saving account and of cause knowing what i intend to buy for her. I was being qus on like how i manage to save those $$$, why i save it for? how i intend to use it? At that moment i was like going to kill that fren of mine.. if it is not because of the idea of shopping i would have walk off... Fine!!! There is nothing wrong to answer those qus, 1st i save up a portion of the absolut fund for her because i told her that this absolut fund will be our $$$ for our little absolut cafe. 2nd the saving is for 'our future' that was like before. After all these answer that fren was quite shock abt it.. I know is silly to do the saving thing, cause she is spending her new future with her someone, maybe she already start saving up with that someone else.
I guess i dont expect a future in us.. but maybe the wish to fulfill the absolut cafe dream. Thinking that we will have a small blue and white concept cafe (absolut color) or maybe purple since she love purple so much.. she love to do those pastry and baking thingy.. she can go play them out.. while i love to handle those bar thingy... which i will take good care of them. This will just go on and on and on... endlessly.. carefree
Alot of my friends picture us as a prefect couple... some ppl even thought that i am ready to settle down with her. Sometime i wish that whatever my friends say will all come true.. Well life is actual very simple it is just how you value them and how you want them to be. I want the best for her, i want her to feel love over and over again every single day when she is with me. That why i dont quarrel with her, that why i understand her and thank God that i still have her for 1 more day. Till the day we broke up i have never regret loving her because she really change me, she make me feel happy again.
We might not be couple again but deep inside she mean alot to me.. she is that someone special we leave deep foot prints inside my heart.. the foot prints was so deep that it is so hard to remove it. I will never get a chance to make her fall in love with me everyday... I will never get a chance to make her daily life colorful again. I will never want to smile again for her..
A close friend was telling me: Wayne although outside you are happy, you look strong and ok but i can feel that you are not. I feel that living onto others' happiness, you dont feel happy within yourself. You bring joy and laughter to everyone but why ain't you making yourself happy? When i heard this, i broke down and cry. At this moment i just thought abt how DT was telling me who am i, was telling me why she love me.
To me she is just like an innocent child with base knowledge trying out what is love, accepted a old snowman and begin her 1st baby step of love. I keep asking her what do you want know abt me, ain't you are curious abt my past? She replied: the past is the past is no longer important to me, i love you because of who you are and not because of your past. We should start everything new here and leave the past behind. Because of this.. i realize i found my childishness again... i am glad that she bought me joy and childishness within myself again.
Sometime i really wonder will she thought abt me.. for that few seconds? Will she ever have the intension to msg me or ask me out? Will she remember me if someday i am not around.. I am afraid that someday.. i might be forgotten. My heart are heavy.. can i share some burden with you?
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
3:12 AM
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