Thursday, September 30, 2010
The feeling of fully getting out of her life is not easy, sometime u wish to be involve with something she and her family does. I miss those MJ session that we have, late night movie, supper, the dinner that her mum prepare, the Wii period and alot more. Now even a msg to ask her whether she is working or whether she is free she cant even reply. The barrier is still within us, we dont see eye to eye contact. We dont talk in class, we dont share the laughter. I got qus to ask her i also will think twice to ask anot.. cause we are not related. I dont even have the courage to tell her that i feel like meeting up with her or have dinner with her.
Monday, September 27, 2010
I wish that we can really talk again.. i dont know how will the feeling like the next time i step into her house again.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
5:58 PM
I miss her buying redbull for me when i am chiong for school
Friday, September 24, 2010
I miss her nagging me asking me to study
I miss her telling me that she is tired
I miss her telling me that she is hungry
I miss her being a complaining to me
I miss her being angry with me
I miss her scolding me
I miss her being so serious about study
I miss looking at her when she fall asleep while studying
I miss those time when i am by her side, although most of the time i didnt do much
I miss sending her back after we have chiong finish our project in her office
I miss waking up beside her even we slept on the sofa
I miss having breakfast with her
I miss those time that sometime i dont really treasure her
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
2:47 AM
I am sick
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I am weak
I want to rest
I wish to could die
I wish that i can sleep well
I wish i can get this over and done
I wish all my wish will come true.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
1:27 PM
I am sick.. high fever + Flu + broken ankle.. what a combi. It is just 1 of those days that i want to be alone. I dont feel like talking, i dont feel like pretending. No strength to talk, no strength to do anything. Thank God that she is not around with me if not i think i will just nelgect her or maybe throw my temper at her. I am so lost feeling sick and tired of everything... Finally i understand what is the feeling of being a loner / unwanted. The feeling that no one bother to show you concern, no want really want to talk to you. May i am just being anti social or maybe my face are not as friendly as before.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
12:53 PM
I dont know what wrong with me today just have a very deep thought about her... she walk in and out of my mind so many time today. I just kind of miss her i dunno for wat reason.. maybe not that kind of love reason. I was packing up my absolut at home today, found an 'absolut piggy bank' this absolut piggy plan was part of my absolut sale and these $$$ was save up secretly without telling her. It was meant to be the absolut saving for our absolut cafe, well i know just by saving a few dollars a day and maybe every month is only a few hundreds when will be enough to start an absolut cafe. To me the aim is to save for it, when it is time to start there will be some way to start. I will still help her to save up part of it, in case in future she might need some. I know it is silly to think and act this way but still whos know maybe i will just take it as my absolut saving for my other absolut bottles. In case she read this, i am not here to tell you how much i have done for you. I just wanna to do something for myself and fufill a dream that we used to plan together. You know me and you should know me well enough by now what kind of person i am.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I am kind of falling sick.. really wish that she is here taking care of me.. feeding me medi, cover blanket for me. Well i know i am just day dreaming... at least dreaming will not be so painful... alright ate 2 pills and going to ZzzzZzz..
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
11:03 PM
After so long she finally msg me today, well nothing much too just a form of updating that she have receive my stuff. I was kind of surpise that she will msg maybe she just happen to be good mood or really just remember to msg me because i ask her to do so. The feeling was so different instead of saying 'hey baby' or 'lao xue ren' both of us address each other as 'Hey'. Even how badly i want to know so many thing from her but i just dont have the courage to updated her life. Maybe i should say what right do i have to update her life, she is doing well right now.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I was at the supermarket yesterday... i took so manything on the cart and i realise 80% of it is her fav, it is those thingy that we will buy when we go shopping. Her fav snack, fav drink.. i daze at those thingy for awhile than i told myself even if i buy will i have the ccurage to bring it over to her place. Even i bring it over to her place does it make any different? what is there are someone out there doing what i am doing right now? What is there is someone taking care of her right now? I believe i will feel hurt and will not want to accept the fact.
I put everything back and start shopping again for myself, end of the day i realise that i got nothing to buy. Does it mean i dont love myself as much as i love her? Do i share the same interests with her that we shared almost everything? I dunno.. i cant answer myself too... My fren approach me again.. ask me to join Kbar.. i am so fan abt it, i know i cant and i wouldnt join at this moment.
Alot of plan in mind wanna to share with her so much but.. i cant. Alot of things to do but dunno where to start, ppl tell me focus on 1 thing at a time but there are so many 'important' things that i dont know which one to start with. Sometime i wonder am i really that lost without her..
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
11:33 PM
5days have past we have not contacted each other, i thought i can forget about her but i was wrong. This 5 days seem to be so long, even there are frens around me but i just feel different. I was super emo yesterday, maybe due to work that why i behave this way. I was invited to 1 of the bar soft launch on wed.. a place that i was looking forward to go. I didnt really know where i was going until that morning.. than i told my friend erm.. i cant make it. The main reason is not that i cant make it, it is just that i dont want to go to a place will make me unhappy. A place that i will have high possibility seeing her and i just dont want to make things ugly. Maybe because of this that why it affect my mood on thus morning.. and i am dying to let my anger and sadness out..
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I was on msn with 1 of my ex F&B manager, he was asking me whether i am interested to head back to F&B industry. He told me there are alot of opening at RWS & MBS and telling me that he is planning to head to either of the hotel to work. I told him that i will consider and will get back to him regard abt this. Today i got a call from him.. he told me that he is planning to join 'Kbar' and asking me whether i am interested.. well in F&B industry we have connection and it is quite comman to join here and there. I didnt really hear the bar name so i ask him to send me email for me to find out more. I was abit sian after i read the email.. position was good and i guess the pay will be good too but due to personally reason i reject the offer. I will love to give a try as mixlogist but at this moment for personally reason i got give a miss.
I took a train back home today, i was reading through 1 of the past msg she leave for me when i was away for a trip. It just feel so love again.. but still i am cheating myself. I know she will not come back again, i also dont know why i am still holding on that msg. Me and some frens was talking about some job changing and what industry we planning to major in. I always have this thingy that i wanna to travel around the world without worries.. just pack my bag and go kind. That is the reason i choose travel industry, i did pack and go for a few times back to few years back when i was young. I love that kind of freedom feeling and unknown reason for leaving. I thought i can have this kind of life for long but i realise that i was wrong, end of the day i will still come to an ending. I have a dream to meet, a dream that i wanna to make it come true asap.. It is a big dream, a big commiment. I dont know when will this drema come true but i will try my best to fufill it.
Tml will be another day that i might be seeing her.. seriously i am not really looking forward because it will just bring back more of my emo feeling. I cant do much but to pretend she is not around, pretend that everything is fine. I wish that i can just leave this world so that i will be free from all the trouble.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
2:24 AM
It is a beautiful sunday, here i am sitting at home and trying to make up my mind on what i should do. This decision should be told and made 2mths ago, i still hanging on it till now. Sitting on my bed with a few cans of heineken, trying so hard to accept the decision that i have made. Is this decision just another crappy thingy that i am going to tell her or this is a final decision that i have made. Am i going to crawl back to her again few days or few weeks later. I ask our best friend, smartpig she told me if there is still hope and chance to save back the friendship than leave this now. This will be the best solution for both of us, is this really the best solution for us? I really think very hard and ask myself this, i really cant give myself an answer.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Everyone ask me to let go, telling me that there are someone out there much better than her. I dont need to lower my pride to so low that i cant see and feel myself. I feel that i love her more than i love myself now. I begin to learn the baby step way, i begin to let go bit by bit. There is a personally reason why i decide to give up right now.
You say there is no point of talking abt this izzit because u say u r tired of listening to me.. it sound more like u r running from your current problem to your latest new life. You want a fast adapt to prove to me that time will fade the feeling away. But deep down inside u and me will know izzit true anot.. out of 365days about average 250days u r with me and at least for 12hrs aday, izzit so easy to forget and let go?
Giving up isnt easy for me, The choices for me to choose are too limited. I choose to let go doesnt mean I dont love u, I'm still in love with u.. Yes I really do, its hurts me so deep to let u go. I choose to stop this love of ours, cause i know i cant give u the life u want. I did try and i told u before the time is not right yet. I was right the time is too short for me to prove it to u.. letting u go is to let u to be happy and to lead that kind of lifestyle that you wan to be.
hope the next time we met..
I can see ur smiles again..
always my sillypig
till my heart beats stop...
XOXO,
老雪人
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
3:35 PM
Finally get to the hospital, doctor say my ankle fracture!! I wish that she was there when i was there in the hospital. Got home alone, dont ask me how i manage to hop back home. 1st thing in the hosptial i msg her, i thought she will consider to come over to at least visit me. She didnt came and she hear home, yes she make a affort to show concern as a friend. I have no right to ask for more cause i am not really a fren to her.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I was looking through her photos..
I miss her alot..
I miss her smile and how she adores me..
I miss her hugs ..
I miss sleeping on her shoulders..
I miss waking up by her side
Yesterday night i was reading someone blog, blgger was 'sunshine'. I was attracted by the blogger name that why i went to read. I cant believe it that this girl is also going through the same thing as me and DT going through. She blog abt her r/s with her ex gf.. and as i read deeper i realise she is in DT's position and i am in that ex gf's position. At that point i realise that how DT is feeling.. I wish that i can give DT to read this blog, this blog is so real, sometime i wonder izzit her who blog abt it. So sad that i couldnt let her read this because there is no point reading to. After reading this blog i told myself i have come to a decision or maybe this decision should be done long ago. I saw her on msn and i msg her, tell her that i got something to tell her. I need sometime before i get the courage to tell her, maybe i dont even need those courage.
We quarrelled again yesterday, same issue over and over again. No point quarrelling cause it just make things worse. I am just that stubborn snowman who don admit that i have lost that game. I am in process of making decision and this decision will make everything better, bright and happier.
I want to eat this.. DT do u remember this...
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
12:33 PM
I wish that when i got into trouble u r the 1st person that are always there for me. The 1st thing i do was to msg u, wanna to call u but i am afraid to do so. I know you show concern to me but these concern is not the same as before. I wish that you say come over let me give u a big DHUG!!! I know you are moving on faster than normal and happier than before. I ask when will we be ok again, you told me it will be ok if both of us have totally move on. I ask you to think back again about the happy moment we shared togther, you say you dont want to go back to the past again; you want to move forward. You say: I cant give you want you want. Yes i might not able to give u certain things that is on ur 'list' but for sure i know certain things i can give u more than others can do so. In my heart i wish to say this, have you really think about what you want or is just the cycle of life you need to fufill. I bet you cant give yourself a proper answer becuase sometime you dont really know what you want. No point frighting for it because i have lost the battle in the 1st place. I also dont know why i am hanging on here, maybe i really love to live in the past.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
不做考虑也没半点犹豫
我就说了这一句 我等你
你眼中闪过了一些讶异
更多的是怀疑 所以你可以离去
不相信你还会回心转意
是我任性才决定 要等你
我眼中的泪没掉过一滴
只是随你背影 慢慢倒流进心里
我等你 半年为期
逾期就狠狠把你忘记
不只伤心的 还包括一切甜蜜
你应该已经和她公开在一起
要等你 要证明自己
我可以纵容你在心底
也可以当你只是路过的人 而已
爱到痛之极 才需要一段等你的限期 来遗忘自己
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
9:54 AM
Saturday, September 04, 2010
emotional attachments build up n grow with time. it gets stronger without u realizing it. and by the time u know it, its too late sometimes to get detached. feelings n emotions cant be controlled all the time. it'd just become more overwhelming after awhile. i've never felt emotions so strong for a long time. i wish it would go away easily. but i know it would not.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
6:28 PM
It is 5am on a saturday morning and i am still wide awake... my mind is blank or maybe full of her.. I saw her facebook update and it make me just realise 1 thing, she is very very happy without me around. Yup she move on fast and easy, sometime i wonder her so call so trying to get over it izzit true anot..
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Everyday she is out with her frens till wee hours at night, i am nobody to her so i cant control what time she come home or qus where she go. Show care and concern to her was a totally wrong thing to do, because end of the day she dont appreciate on any single thing i do. I am lost, i dont know what to do. I know doing all these are so silly, nothing will turn back to the past, it will not change her mind.
Everyday i cry more than i smile, everyday i worry and think of her more than anything else. Everyday i am looking forward to see her or talk to her. Everyday i wish that i could have a 5min talk or just hearing her voice. Everyday is the same but it doesnt happen.
I am tired of trying, i am tired of being nice. My care and concern is not being appreciate by her, the more i care the more she dont care. Maybe like all my frens say, she will not appreciate you until she have fully lose you. I guess i really did too much already, too much till she feel sick of me.
Is there timeline for love? The closer we get together, the more uncertain our love seem. My heart say I love you. I try and treat you right, never break my promises. I'd give all i have for you but why does it still end this way? If i have another chance to fall in love i hope it will still be you.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
5:06 AM
Yesterday was school day didnt really enjoy my class cause everyone is quite. It was a small group of us and the subject are just plain boring. The whole entire duration of the class i didnt talk at all, whenever outside have a big group of ppl making noise it just make me think of her. When home yesterday alone but dunno why i thought i am sending her back. As i was riding and going in between cars i give a pat on the back but realise that she wasnt on the bike.. dunno why also happily just ride and ride and end up at her place. I was like wtf.. why am i at her place?
Stupidly ride home again, wanna to msg her to tell her how stupid i am but still what does it proof to her. It proof nothing but more stupidilty action that i have done on her. Today was so call looking forward to see her since she 'agree' to meet up with mel and gang. Evening receive msg say not meeting cause she meeting other ppl, than again wan to pick her up after her meetup. Of cause got rejected (as usual nothing new) and i know if i contiune to talk 'rubbish' to her i will end up quarrelling with her.
I guess my life will not be better after i know that for the next 3mths every weekend will we spend 3hrs in the same room together. I guess we will not talk or maybe less talk. I will choose sit which is infront so that i dont need to see her during class. Yes she is my world, my everything. I am her nobody and nothing. I know now she need is time to so call her term of fade things away... she rather go through this than accept the fact..
Met up with bev as well, so long never meet her. Talk to her about me and DT, told her that how me and DT started... it just make me happy for that moment..
She also cant believe that i can be so honest and faithful for this r/s, like wat she say.. DT was too innocent to be cheated. Maybe i commit and love her too much than i have lost myself in this love r/s. Diva used to tell me this: when u get older as time past you will begin to treasure ur r/s and love ur partner more. I will stsrt to think abt planning the future and settle down with them. I almost plan that with DT and i also think of 'settle down' with DT. I guess these are all PLAN and they are really just PLAN... It will not happen again, never ever again.
Although how much DT wanna to 'care' for me but she just coudlnt bring herself to do that because her mind and heart tell her not to get close to me (this monster). No matter how much i wish to say i miss DT and tell DT i love her i cant do that. I wish to tell DT how tired and how much i wish to get some encourgement from her but i couldnt... I am at my last breath doing all these, my last run for everything. I think i will fall any moment, i will breakdown anytime.
i skated in the lonely world ...quiet and undisturbed at
11:59 PM
| Powered by TagBoard Message Board |
